Abhishek Shukla

Sort of weird

Word Count: 454

It all feels sort of weird.

You share happy news. And you get no reaction. You share brilliant news. And yet no reaction. You share life changing news. Still no reaction. For the same news, others get praises, joyful reactions, prideful celebrations, while your words echo in the silence of indifference. Each of your successes, you step in the right direction, your attempts at a better life are met again and again and again with no reaction. And slowly, though no one told you in words, a belief starts settling in within you.

Belief that doing better means nothing. That being better means nothing. And eventually your perspective on life changes. You enter a room where you have all the reasons to succeed, and yet, you feel no need to succeed. At times, you feel a push, that this is your moment to shine, but then, you are met with an unknown force from within, pulling you back to where you are, telling you that winning is of no worth. And you start undermining yourself, your talent, your need to excel and have a better life, have a meaningful existence, and most importantly, a purposeful every day.

You start feeling repelled by words like growth, progress, and success, and look at those who admire them with reproach. You see yourself going downhill, but don’t know a way out of it, because the only way out is going uphill, something that you’re now almost trained to rebel against. Anyone who gets near you and tries to prove to you otherwise, who attempts to instill change in you for good, you push them away, you push them far. And you go further down believing that this is your destiny, while wondering what happened to you, while cursing yourself that it’s your fault.

You live like a decaying entity; one that is scheduled to doom; one whom death is awaiting. You don’t even remember where it started from. You just have a vague recollection of that time when it all felt sort of weird. You blame yourself. You beat yourself down. You go on several self-destruction sprees. Some days you are suicidal, some days, masochistic, and almost all days, spiteful towards yourself.

You want someone to place the blame on, but don’t know whom. The only person whom you know has consistently been wrong through your entire life is you. The only person whose bad decisions made your life worse is you. The only person who deserves to be punished is you. You don’t deserve to live. It’s your fault. It is only and only and only your fault. And you believe it.

And believe it or not, it all starts with feeling sort of weird.

Notes by Author:

#contemplation